You know those thoughts that haunt you in the middle of the night about your kids? Well one blogger went public with hers at Babble last week and lit up the momosphere. Kate Tietje wrote: Mom Confession: I think I love my son a little bit more. In it she describes how she prefers her 20-month-old son to her 3-year-old daughter. She writes:
I can’t be the only one out there who feels this way, though. Because moms aren’t perfect. Maybe we pretend that we are in front of other moms, lest we be judged for our failings. But we do all have them. And so…I’ve taken a deep breath, and I’m going to share.
In a paragraph that was later deleted without any explanation (though one can see why the edit was made), Tietje says:
"There are moments – in my least sane and darkest thoughts – when I think it wouldn't be so bad if I lost my daughter, as long as I never had to lose my son (assuming crazy, dire, insane circumstances that would never actually occur in real life)."
Wow. Many commenters praised the writer for her honesty, but others were shocked by her revelation, and even more so for the public nature of it. And one does have to wonder at her need to express her thoughts so publicly. I can only imagine the pain that her daughter would (will?) feel when she stumbles across this blog that confirms her own worst fears about how her mother feels about her.
It is true, mothers are not perfect. I have dark thoughts that I don't write about or even verbalize. On some days I may favour one child over another, but on other days it maybe a different one. My relationship with each child is not stagnant, they change and I change along with them. I love all of them fiercely and differently. I try not to use the word equally when it comes to love; love is immeasurable, love for one child is incomparable to my love for another.
I grew up in a house where favouritism and comparisons were common. It was damaging to me and my siblings. A favoured child knows that their position is not secure, an unfavoured child is forever wondering what they did wrong. And then the two (or three or four or nine) are constantly in competition.
I feel compassion for Tietje, her anguish is evident in her post and in the follow-up. She may be trying to build a better future relationship for herself and her daughter, but her honest admission may be the most damaging thing she could have done.
Do you have a favourite child? Would you ever admit it? Did your parents have a favourite?
The comments on this post were just heartbreaking and inspired me to write another post as follow-up. Click here for Love Is Not a Pie.
Want more chaos? Last year I asked: What Have Your Kids Ruined Lately?