I Wish I Knew Why You Aren't Getting Pregnant
I have witnessed the fierceness of friends trying to overcome infertility; the willing to give up time, money and their sense of self to bear a child.
I have mourned when they come up with nothing and been happy when the line went pink. But I do not know what it is like to be disappointed month after month after being told what a natural process it is.
I am sure that I have said the wrong thing, fell into clichés and been insensitive.
One thing I do not say is that it is the woman’s fault. I would never tell a woman who is trying to get pregnant that stress is a cause. Isn’t that kind of a chicken and egg thing? How does someone who is working hard to achieve something but failing avoid stress?
I found this article falls into the category of blaming the woman. Stress, weight, not knowing your cycle may be a cause of infertility – no kidding. Those things may be true but women who are facing fertility issues probably don’t need to hear that over and over. The women I know who are trying to get pregnant know their cycle to the minute, they are at optimum health and yes, they are stressed.
If stress stopped pregnancy then I would guess the teen pregnancy rate would be a lot lower. Doctors will tell you there is a part of getting pregnant that science can not understand; a little bit of magic and sometimes there is no solution to the mysterious problems.
For those of us who did not struggle with fertility how do we support those who do? One thing is not to blame their stress, their weight or their ignorance. It is not by telling our friends who are getting needles in their thigh every other day that we are afraid of the drugs because of the chemicals or even by recounting all the stories of women getting pregnant after years of infertility. I was struck by this article that gives some pointers on how to support women by a woman who went through infertility.
One way to show support is to go to movies, make regular phone calls, drop off delicious healthy food and call with a funny story. It is impossible to know what to say but pointing out their strengths in face of adversity may be a good place to start.