Jingle Bells... Anxiety Swells,

Not knowing how to deal with this anxious child, I contacted Alyson Schafer, the tell-it-like-it-is parenting coach and author (of extremely useful and funny book) Honey, I Wrecked the Kids. I was expecting her to tell me what a growing experience it is for Aaron to face his fears and get on stage. But she didn't. She is also not a fan of the holiday show. She called it the "encapsulation of a parenting photo-opp so parents can brag about their kids", and compared it to the photos of the screaming and terrified kids on Santa's knee.

Alyson says many kids don't like to perform in the show. But most schools make it mandatory. As if forcing kids to sing makes the holidays a whole lot more celebratory. Since kids generally don't like the experience. Why can't kids choose to be in the holiday show?

When I ask that question I get mostly the same answers we got as kids and we didn't want to don goofy hats and do silly dances to Jingle Bells. You know: it's good for kids to get up there and have the experience of being on stage. Yeah, that's a life skill I've used often since grade five.

But when you have a kid like I do who is completely paralyzed by the thought of being on stage what do you do? Our entire week has been dominated by dealing with his anxiety because anxiety can take many forms such as random violence against siblings and talking back and playing a lot of video games (these are just generalized examples, of course).

Alyson explained that for anxious kids (anxiety is different than nervous in the way that hunger is different from famished) their "perception of an event is actually threatening". For most people this kind of anxiety stems from a fear of failure. 

So these kids need to have their "courage quotient" upped, says Alyson. Instead of always protecting kids from their fears, parents need to put small challenges in their way that they can overcome and get the feeling of accomplishment. These challenges can't be too small  and the can't be too large.

We also spent a lot of time normalizing Aaron's fears, explaining that most people, including athletes, singers and even his own parents have butterflies in their stomachs before big shows, games and meetings; and those butterflies are the start of adrenalin which helps us perform our best.

One thing that Alyson counsels against is saying things like "you are going to be fine," which denies their thoughts and feelings and sends a subtle message that 'you are not going to be fine, but I am here to catch you and make it better.'

Anxiety is literally contagious and so we have to manage our own anxieties. Because when you have a nine-year old literally shaking at the idea of singing a 4-minute song with his classmates, it is easy to get caught up in worrying about him and his ability to handle stress.

Meanwhile, my husband and I work hard to communicate to our son that we have faith in him. He is an anxious kid and our job gets trickier as he gets older because we don't want to give in too quickly to his anxieties but we also recognize that sometimes he needs some breathing room to find his way.

And he did get through it, with the help of some teachers, one of whom who stood at the back of the room with his eyes glued on in some kind of mind meld sending him courage. So I had my opportunity to shed a few tears, knowing that even though he was mouthing the words, or not even moving at all, that he had worked harder than many of those kids to be on that stage.

I wish I could say that at the end of the day he is happy that he did it and he is now ready to face new challenges knowing that he overcame this obstacle. But I'm not sure it's that easy. And on top of that, I just found out his school has a secondary mandatory concert in the spring.